Recently ... (Just some thoughts to share)

I've been avoiding. Keeping myself busy and meeting up with friends. Majority of my friends tried to console me by stating that  "I will be Fine". Who knows? It is just a matter of words. I'm trying so hard not to stay alone in the house so that I could avoid worrying and over thinking issue that lead to desperately emotional. I would spent my time with family and friends trying to get the best out of me to occupy my schedule. I hate thinking and being so down emotional plus the hectic worrying worsen up the situation. Over flashing thoughts that I am dying soon and the happiness I once own is almost drifting me far apart till its gone. My life? What do I exactly want to achieve? My aim? What exactly I want to gain? I feel that life is simply so short and I need to do as much good deeds as possible in order to live again. Lessons to be learnt overtime that turning my tiny pea brain to wisdom of knowledge. It's difficult to understand. Experiencing soon arrived and overlap the major understanding of human life. Precious, cherish and once in a life time. Parent giving birth to you mutual you till you have grown healthy. Birth(生), Old(老), Sick(病), Die(死). The major four visual cycle that can never be avoided. Greed(贪心), Lust(性爱) and Desire(可望) is the worst enemies for us. Greed can lead to be selfishness. Lust can lead someone to do bad things like raping. Desire can lead someone to do anything just to get what they want no matter what consequences. How to be happy and carefree? The first thing to do is to get rid and erase off the following. Hate(讨厌),Anger(生气),Jealous(嫉妒). All these will lead to not harmony. You must know how to control it. Be kind to people, Help people by appreciating. This I Must learn. It's not easy to be a kind person I must say. You have to go through a lot of test in order to prove that you are indeed qualify to be one. I'm trying. I seriously don't mind changing although time is limited for me. I've been trying so hard to change yet people only notice the tiny change in me and not to their expectation. In fact they turned into disappointment towards me. I feel utterly sad. I meant what I told them but the trust I gone far away. Karma? I knew I've indeed place in effort yet I have not done more. I should be doing more but I'm trying not to force myself. By letting the nature cause. Purity. Over stressing myself. The negative thoughts in my inner mind is killing me deep down inside. I don't know what I can do other then hanging out outside with friends. Especially during the night falls. I feel anxiety. Perhaps I really need to travel oversea alone to relax myself a little. Being too rush(impatient) in attitude is not a good sign at all. Over paranoid can lead to overwhelming depression. Maybe I just need a peaceful mind to run through all the thoughts and come clean as a better person. May God be with me and bless me in every decision I've made. Be with me gain me wisdom. I've turned into a religious person after encountering all the negatives signs and my granny's funeral. The world will end one day. I want to do something that I will not regret when I'm still breathing. Family is the most important icon. A realization done after all the happenings occurs. One day it may not be you or may be you. I will wear the beautiful white silky gown that I most Desirer since I was a child. 阿弥陀佛。Hope everyone who is reading my entry will gain prosper happiness, Good health and peace. Goodnight.